Therapist, coach and neuroscientist
Therapist, coach and neuroscientist
People-pleasing doesn’t have to be a life sentence but it is a very common problem affecting people of all walks of life. So you might be wondering how to stop being a people-pleaser …
Before we begin to look at how to stop being a people-pleaser let’s make sure we’re talking about the same group of people.
Typically people-pleasers are one of the nicest and most helpful people out there. They’re always there for everyone, they care, they listen, they provide support but unfortunately at the cost of their own needs and wellbeing.
I mean, think about it – is it realistic for someone to be able to provide unconditional support at any time without neglecting themselves? My guess would be no.
So, here are some of the tell-tale signs of people-pleasers. They often:
I think this paints a pretty good picture of what makes a people-pleaser but the one thing which is at the root of it all is the deep, painful fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear drives pretty much everything a people-pleaser does.
Does this sound like you or someone you know? Keep on reading to understand the WHY behind people-pleasing.
The first step to understanding how to stop being a people-pleaser is getting to the root cause of the problem.
After all, people-pleasing is just a symptom hiding painful feelings and beliefs such as not being good enough or worthy of love.
People-pleasers start off as parent pleasers.
Throughout my experience I have realised that such behaviours often evolve as a way to maintain a sense of connectedness to parents who were inconsistent and emotionally unavailable to their children.
Those were often parents who were going through a difficult time of their own and were too focused on their troubles to notice what their children were feeling.
The child, of course, picks up on this and starts to treat the parent in question as if they were fragile. They become the adult and take on the caregiving role, looking after the parent and tending to their feelings.
Because of not knowing how to secure and maintain that love and connection, the child normally starts doing all they can to earn the parent’s love and approval, and to be noticed. This often means being “perfect”, which eventually leads to becoming a high achieving perfectionist.
The trouble is that the parent’s behaviour generally has nothing to do with the child, but since the child doesn’t understand this it starts to internalise those feelings. They subconsciously start to associate the parent’s unhappiness with themselves and think that only if they were perfect they would be loved.
This is then carried into adulthood and reflected in romantic and platonic relationships.
So now the real question…
It is important to know who you are in order to know when to say no to others and yes to yourself. Get to know yourself, your values and beliefs and create an image of the ideal self you want to become.
Below are some questions you can use to reflect and explore your people-pleasing tendencies:
Saying “I am a people-pleaser” can become your identity. It can turn into a deeply ingrained belief you hold about yourself, which can impact your self-worth negatively.
It’s important to remember that your beliefs affect the way you feel and determine how you behave.
Knowing how and when to say no is an integral part to learning how to stop being a people-pleaser.
Overextending yourself and always saying yes normally leads to emotional exhaustion and a build-up of resentment. Saying yes when you want to say yes, and saying no when you want to say no can keep this from happening.
You can start by saying no to small requests. Try to keep your responses short without giving a long explanation as to why you’re saying no. Don’t volunteer your time and energy automatically, but only commit to what you really want to do. When learn to say no, your yeses will become more meaningful.
To help yourself do this you can write down different ways of saying no. Afterwards, practice them in front of a mirror until the negative feelings associated with saying no disappear.
Moving from exhibiting people-pleasing behaviors to speaking your own truth and putting yourself first is a process which takes time and doesn’t happen overnight.
Be kind to yourself on the journey of learning how to stop being a people-pleaser. Notice where you make small changes and give yourself a pat on the back. As you do, your confidence will increase.
You will feel more encouraged to make bigger changes next time. Small steps are the key to success!
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts on people-pleasing. Follow me on Medium for more writing content or check out my blog.
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